Memories of Falling Snow
by pokemon fan 98
Summary: When a meta turns up who can de-age people, Caitlin intentionally gets turned into a child, for one reason: to find clues about Killer Frost. She turned into Frost as a little girl at least once. Now she's going to figure out how to do it again, to bring Frost back as an adult. What she doesn't count on is reliving other repressed memories. Memories of falling Snow.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a possibility for understanding Killer Frost's origins, built on the repressed memory Caitlin recovered in 4x22. Let me know what you think!**

"There was a robbery at a pawn shop that just opened."

"I'm on it," Barry said, getting into his suit.

"It's already over," Cisco said. "It happened a few hours ago, apparently."

"Why are we just hearing about it now?"

"New place, not in our system yet," Cisco said quickly. "CCPD just found out too. But there's something weird. The report says the witness… is an eight-year-old."

"What's so weird about that?" Caitlin asked.

Cisco held out his tablet for them to see. "She was thirty yesterday." The tablet showed a smiling woman holding up an old-fashioned pocket watch to advertise the store – which was hers, from the looks of it.

"So our thief is a meta who can de-age people?" Barry asked. "Is that possible?"

"You should know by now, Barry," Caitlin said with a slight smile, "nothing's impossible anymore."

"Right. Okay, then let's make a plan. We don't want to be turned into kids when we find this guy. I'll go talk to the witness with Joe."

"We'll work on something," Cisco said.

"If you can get a sample from the witness for me?" Caitlin asked.

Barry nodded and left.

"Even for us, this one's a little weird," Cisco said.

"Yeah," Caitlin replied absently, staring into space. She was already trying to figure it out. Was the change purely physical, or mental as well? It had to be reversible. Would there be any adverse effects once it was reversed? She wouldn't know until Barry got back with that sample, and told her how the interview had gone. She hoped it was sooner rather than later.

* * *

Barry didn't disappoint. It was a little over an hour later that he appeared back in the lab, Ralph in tow. He handed Caitlin a DNA sample, and she started setting it up as he explained what had happened.

"The woman, Chance, looks eight or nine at most, but acts like an adult. The meta just touched her, and she changed."

"Her mental faculties weren't impaired?" Caitlin asked.

Ralph scoffed. "She seemed pretty 'there' to me. Practically threw me out for touching a jewelry box."

"He almost dropped it," Barry supplied.

"Any clues about the Pacifier's identity, or another target?" Cisco asked.

Caitlin smiled as she started analyzing the DNA. It wasn't a bad name. Cisco had come up with it a few minutes after Barry had left. They kept talking as she entered a hyper-focused state, fully in scientist mode. She was thorough, but there wasn't much she could tell aside from the obvious: "she's younger," she said once she was done.

"I don't want to be a Ralphie downer, but didn't we already know that?"

"Yes," Caitlin said. She swiveled around to face them. "There doesn't seem to be any damage to the DNA, which is good. Otherwise, this doesn't tell me much."

"If you had a sample from the…"

"Pacifier," Cisco said.

"Pacifier," Barry said, "could you find a way to reverse it? I don't think that woman wants to look like a kid forever."

"I'm sure," Caitlin said. She didn't know how to reverse it yet, but it shouldn't be that hard. She'd have to take her time making the cure. Barry could probably do it, if something did go wrong…

"Caitlin, you alright?"

Caitlin blinked and came back to herself. Cisco was right next to her, his eyebrows pressed together. "You've been spacey all morning. You feel okay?"

"Yeah, of course," she said, standing up. "Just trying to figure this out."

"We all are," Barry said. "But since there's nothing we can do right now, do we want to -."

The alarm in the cortex went off, and Barry sighed. "Or not."

They ran to the cortex, and Cisco leaned over the monitor. "Pacifier strikes again. A jewelry store this time."

"How long ago?" Barry asked.

"Right now!"

Barry raced into his suit, but Caitlin instinctively called for him to wait even as he did. She ran to her desk and grabbed the cold gun, and ran back to the cortex, her heart starting to beat faster in anticipation. "I'm coming too."

"Caitlin, we don't have time to -."

"I need to be there, to help anyone he's whammied."

It wasn't the strongest excuse, but something in her expression must have told Barry she wouldn't take no for an answer. He reluctantly nodded and picked her up, racing them to the robbery in progress. Barry set her down as the meta turned to them, setting down the gold necklace in his grip.

"You made a mistake," the meta said.

"What's that?" Barry asked, stepping forward. Caitlin held her cold gun up loosely, to look as though she planned to use it. Just a little closer.

"Forgetting a babysitter."

"Get down!" Barry cried as the meta lunged forward. Barry moved to cover Caitlin, one arm stretched back while the other set up a barrier for the meta, starting to rotate and make a wind funnel.

Caitlin rushed under Barry's protective stance and pushed her friend with all her might, shoving him out of the way and effectively ending his defense. In the next few seconds the meta grinned; Barry's mouth opened and framed her name; the meta's hand clamped onto her shoulder, and Caitlin almost smiled.

* * *

"Why would she do that?" Barry asked. "Why would she push me out of the way?"

"Maybe she thought it was the only way to protect you," Cisco said.

Caitlin opened her eyes and squinted at the brightness of the lab. Cisco and Barry were right next to the bed she was laying on.

"Hey," Barry said, casting a relieved smile at her. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

Caitlin inhaled sharply. Her voice was higher than normal. She looked at herself and had to fight to contain her smile. Her feet didn't reach the end of the bed. Her hands were small.

She put a hand to her forehead and felt the bangs she'd had at that age. "It worked," she said.

"Unfortunately," Cisco said. "And Pacifier got away."

I'm sorry," Barry said. "I knew he didn't really hurt you, but when you collapsed… I just wanted to make sure you were safe. I'll get him next time," he promised, "and we'll get you back to normal." He put a hand on her leg reassuringly, and then seemed to realize it was awkward and removed it.

"Are there any other metas we can go after in the meantime?" Caitlin asked. The Pacifier wasn't even a concern at the moment.

"You seem oddly eager for action," Cisco said, narrowing his eyes. "And you're not going anywhere like this."

Caitlin jumped off the bed. "Yes, I am." She tried to stare him down, but having to look up at him took most of the intimidation out of the stare she'd mastered as an adult. "I'm going to check for any signs of trouble in the city."

"Cait, why do you want to find another meta?" Barry asked, following her.

"Because," she said, looking determinedly ahead. "that's how I'm going to get Killer Frost back."


	2. Chapter 2

"That's insane," Barry said.

"I've become her before."

"When you had dark matter inside you!"

"I've become her without it," Caitlin said. "When I was a kid."

"What?"

"It's true," Cisco said. "When we were still dealing with DeVoe, we vibed a repressed memory she had. She looked like a mini Killer Frost."

"I was terrified in that memory," Caitlin said. "If we can recreate that terror…" she looked up at them and smiled. "Maybe I can coax Killer Frost out."

"So you want to put yourself in danger, in the off chance you get her back. Caitlin, I can't let you do that."

"I'll do it on my own if I have to."

She could see Barry running through possibilities, thinking of the consequences of each course of action. She was doing the same, and hoping he didn't go through with the most basic way of keeping her safe: locking her in the lab.

She looked at Cisco. His expression was serious but kind of sad as he looked at her, and she was positive he knew she had gotten whammied on purpose. _Please,_ she tried to tell him from her expression. _Help me._

Cisco's mouth dipped a little, but he didn't give her away. "Barry, can I talk to you for a sec?" he asked.

Caitlin sat on the swivel chair by the desk as she waited for them to come back in. She was short enough to swing her legs and not touch the floor. She'd forgotten how enjoyable it could be, and was momentarily distracted by the familiar motion. "C'mon Cisco," she said under her breath. Because she knew Cisco well enough to know he was convincing Barry to go along with her crazy idea. Barry may not have seen it, and Cisco may not have liked what she'd done, but Cisco knew how devastated she was by losing Killer Frost. Especially recently, after finding out Frost was a part of her that long. She _needed_ her back. Cisco knew that.

She started to turn to the door when she heard motion, and then she was moving, and a firm hand was being held against her throat. She was pressed against the far wall by a blur of yellow, vibrating too quickly to see –

Fear made her throat close, her body tremble. Her breathing became shallower as it got harder to draw breath. She could feel the adrenaline start pumping through her, and a trace of excitement lightened the terror.

Until she realized nothing was happening, and logic started to pierce through the fear. "Barry."

The hand against her throat withdrew, and Barry took off his mask as he stopped vibrating. "Well that was anticlimactic," Cisco said from the doorway.

Caitlin breathed out slowly as her nerves started to settle. "I don't understand. That should have worked."

"Cait," Barry said gently. She realized he had changed out of the awful yellow suit, and was back in his everyday clothes. "I'll try to help you, but you have to know this might not work."

"Barry-." Cisco said.

"I'm not giving up yet," Barry said, over Cisco's protest. He locked eyes with Caitlin. "You know I don't give up that fast. I just need to make sure you realize that it might not work like you want it to."

"I do," Caitlin said. She looked down in embarrassment as she felt a burning sensation behind her eyes. She was definitely feeling emotions much more potently, in this state. "But why didn't it work?" she asked quietly. It should have worked.

"Maybe you weren't scared enough," Cisco said. "Part of you was expecting Barry to do something, so maybe subconsciously you knew you were safe."

She managed to keep the tears from falling, and walked back to the desk. Cisco put his hand on her shoulder, but it didn't help her feel any better. If anything it made her feel more helpless than before.

* * *

Barry and Cisco took it in turns to try scaring her the rest of that day. They did jump-scares, popping out from rooms as she passed. They rigged the cortex to describe emergency situations in the city. The nuclear detonation one hit a little too close to home. Barry was with Iris, visiting Joe and Cecile at the hospital.

Cisco put on a good show, appearing freaked out by the radiation level that was increasing on the screen. At first her heart slowed, so it seemed to almost stop, but that only lasted a few seconds. Though the screen showed the lead-up to a nuclear detonation, there was none of the other activity they saw when they got a hit. She knew it was fake. Caitlin stared at the numbers, still increasing.

"What do we do?" Cisco asked.

Her throat was closing up again, but for a much different reason than when Barry had scared her. Cisco was silent until he walked closer to look at her, and then his voice was quiet. "Oh, Caitlin."

Her lip was quivering, and before she could start to compose herself she was crying. Cisco turned her around, pulling her into a comforting embrace. Caitlin looked at the computer monitor, watching the numbers slow to a stop. The last time Caitlin had remembered what Frost had done – the only time, really – Frost had admitted she cared about her. She had tried to keep her safe from a nuclear bomb.

So the fake radiation readings didn't scare her. They reminded her, painfully and abruptly, that Frost was gone, and with the increased sensitivity she was experiencing… she couldn't hide the grief she still felt so plainly.

Cisco held her tightly as she cried. It was the hardest she'd cried since she'd lost Frost, simply because she hadn't allowed herself to. And as she did now, she decided she couldn't let herself do it again.

Even if it did make her feel a little better.

* * *

Caitlin couldn't go back to her apartment that night. She didn't look old enough to drive. Plus, she wasn't tall enough to drive her car. So Cisco offered to either take her to his place or stay with her at the lab. She tried to tell him she would be fine on her own. She'd slept in the lab before. But he was adamant about staying with her, so she agreed to go to his place. That way he could be comfortable in his own bed, at least, and wouldn't worry about her.

She knew it was irrational, but something about laying on his couch, in complete darkness, made her a little uneasy as she was falling asleep. Maybe it was childishness creeping back to her, from the stress of the day, but she was glad Cisco was in the next room. It would have been much harder to relax by herself, in the lab.

When she woke up the next morning she felt better. "Morning," she greeted Cisco, when he came out of his bedroom.

He looked at her funny for a second before smiling. "Someone slept on the right side of the bed."

She chuckled. "Thanks for letting me stay over. Are you ready to go back to S.T.A.R. Labs?"

"Coffee run first."

Caitlin stood a little straighter, perking up. "I want one too."

They got in Cisco's car and drove to Jitters. Cisco ordered his drink, and then Caitlin asked for hers.

The barista looked to Cisco. "Can she have coffee?"

Caitlin pressed her lips together as Cisco smiled gleefully. "Yeah, she can," he said. When the barista went to make their coffees, Cisco turned to look at her.

"Don't," she said, before he could start.

He was quiet, but she didn't like how amused he was. Especially when they got their coffees and she took a big sip – and practically choked. The bitter drink didn't smell good, and tasted awful. She gagged after swallowing it. "That's disgusting!" she whispered.

Now Cisco actually laughed. "Your taste buds must have gone back to the way they used to be."

Caitlin frowned at her coffee.

* * *

Barry was already at S.T.A.R. Labs when she and Cisco got there.

"I was thinking," Barry said. "Maybe you were right about facing a meta."

Caitlin felt her eyes widen. "Really?"

He didn't look happy about it, but he nodded. "I'll take you with me whenever our next meta alert is. Unless it's Pacifier."

Caitlin felt like smiling. Being out in the field was much more likely to succeed than the boys' attempts to scare her the day before (however admirable they had been). Cisco chose that moment to fill Barry in on the events of the morning. She tried to defend herself, but even she had to smile.

"You have to tell the others, after all this," Barry said to Cisco.

"Dude, I was already -."

Suddenly Barry and Cisco disappeared.

 _She could hear voices, and realized the door hadn't been closed all the way. She crept closer, still trembling, and gripped the edge of the door as she leaned closer to listen._

 _"_ _She fully changed this time," Dad was saying. "White hair, blue eyes."_

 _"_ _What happened?"_

 _"_ _A car started to hit her when she was on her bike, and there was a kind of explosion. I'm not sure, but Caity's only okay because of that change. We need to talk to her about it."_

 _"_ _Why would we do that?" Mom asked._

 _"_ _She saw her reflection, Carla. She knows something's going on."_

 _Daddy, Caitlin thought. He'd told her to stay in her room, after picking her up and rushing her inside. Her bike had been abandoned on the road. She'd kept reaching for her hair, pulling a piece out so she could see it. Every time she saw the white color of it, it became harder to breathe, until she'd had to run out, searching for Daddy so he could help her._

 _"_ _She's not ready to know," Mom said, using her science voice._

 _Dad sighed. "Maybe you're right."_

 _Caitlin's eyes widened. Daddy wasn't supposed to say that. He had to reason with Mom, and tell Caitlin what he was hiding from her. He always told her the truth. Why didn't he want to now?_

 _Her grip on the edge of the door tightened, and the door moved closer to her. She jumped slightly when it creaked, and heard footsteps coming closer. The door swung into the study, and Caitlin looked up at Mom as she lowered her hand._

 _"_ _Caitlin, what are you doing?"_

 _"_ _Mom, what's wrong with me?" she asked._

 _Mom shook her head. "There's nothing wrong with you. You just had a big scare."_

 _Caitlin walked past her, looking up at Dad. He seemed uncomfortable. "Daddy, you said something's wrong. I heard you."_

 _He looked at Mom for a second, and then kneeled down next to Caitlin. "Mom's right, Caity. You know how adrenaline can affect you."_

 _As these words sank in, coming from Daddy's mouth but sounding nothing like him, something in Caitlin shifted. It felt like there were pins and needles in her hands and fingers, and she felt so angry. "You're lying," she said, her face deadly serious. Dad looked shocked at her change in tone._

 _"_ _Caity -."_

 _"_ _You said something's wrong," Caitlin said, standing with her face inches from his. "What did you mean, fully changed?" The pins and needles were becoming fireworks in her hands, which were shaking with anger and fear._ "Why won't you tell me?" _she yelled._

 _"_ _Caitlin, calm down," Dad said, touching her arm. He was looking at her with fear, and she was glad. She shouldn't be the only one to be afraid. She shouldn't be afraid at all, and wouldn't be, if he would just explain!_

 _The fireworks in her hands stopped exploding when she felt a sharp prick in her arm. She looked away from Dad to see Mom next to her, putting down a shot. Mom's hand was tight on her shoulder as she felt her balance tip._

 _"_ _She'll be alright," Mom said. She looked at Caitlin, meeting her eyes. "We'll figure this out."_

 _Caitlin's anger faded. Everything faded, even Dad's arms around her as she fell back into darkness._

"Caitlin. Caitlin!"

Caitlin gasped as she landed on the floor of the cortex. Barry and Cisco were next to her, mirrored expressions of shock on their faces. Caitlin inhaled shakily as she looked up at them.

"What just happened?"

 **A/N: There's chapter two! I'll try to update once a week. Just so you know, the main character interactions in this story will be between Caitlin, Cisco, and Barry. Other team members may make appearances, but won't be too involved. Let me know what you think of the story so far, and thanks for all the support!**


	3. Chapter 3

"What just happened?" she asked again.

"You started moving around," Cisco said, his brow creased. "And then you were talking, but not to us."

"You were saying Dad," Barry said.

"I – I thought I was there." Caitlin stood, rubbing at her elbow that had collided with the floor. "One minute we were talking, and then I was reliving that… memory. I don't remember that happening, but it must have…"

The guys still looked shocked, and a little freaked out. It was nothing to how Caitlin felt. There had been no transition in this experience, as there was when Cisco brought her into a vibe. It had been instantaneous, and so complete that she hadn't realized it was a memory (repressed or not). And apparently she'd acted it out, instead of just reliving it mentally? What had made that happen? _How_ had it happened?

"I'm gonna run a test," Cisco said, reaching for Caitlin's hand. She let herself be led away, back to the med bay, using her free hand to pull some hair away from her face. She expected it, but seeing the warm brown still hurt, after seeing it white minutes before. Her mind was racing at dizzying speeds, analyzing the memory and what it meant for her search for Frost, and frankly, she missed a lot of what Barry and Cisco were saying as they got to the med bay. She was too busy puzzling through it herself, and too tired. She was more tired than she should be, at ten in the morning.

Her mom had seemed surprised by her abilities, back when Caitlin had still been scared of her powers. Surprised, but not as much as she could have been. Now Caitlin realized that was because she had seen them before. She would have to talk with her, when she looked like an adult again.

"No dark matter," Cisco said, setting the scanner down. "That's stayed the same."

"Caitlin, what did you see?" Barry asked.

Her whirling thoughts slowed to a more manageable speed as she focused on the question, and told them everything she had just experienced. She filled Barry in on the first memory as well. She could tell from their expressions that they weren't sure what to make of it, though one thing was clear enough: they were treating her more gently than before.

"No wonder you looked so lost in thought," Cisco said.

"We don't have to worry about it right now," she said. She couldn't do it now. She needed some time. So she turned to the other thing she needed. "We have to work on getting Frost back."

Barry looked at Cisco in some silent communication.

"Barry, there must be some crime scene you can take me to," Caitlin insisted.

He opened his mouth, as if trying to find the right words. "I'm not sure -."

"You said you'd take me with you."

"That was before this memory episode. What if it happens again? What if it happens when we're fighting someone?" he sighed. "I just don't think it's a good idea."

Caitlin pressed her lips together, then looked at Cisco. "What do you think?"

"Don't make me do this," he said.

"Will you take me out with you?"

Cisco looked between Caitlin and Barry. "Look, both of you have good reasons, but I don't know what to do. Okay? I think, for now, we should stay in the lab and try to understand what just happened."

Annoyance prickled underneath her skin, but she didn't try to argue with them. She was going into the field whether they helped her or not. She just had to think of a way to slip out; something that would be much more difficult now.

* * *

Barry and Cisco didn't leave her alone all afternoon, as if they knew she was a flight risk. Even when she told them she wanted to lay down, they sat across the room and spoke in lower voices. She did doze off, but her intent had been for them to walk away. She just needed a little head start.

No such luck, as they were still there when she woke up. She felt a little more energized, at least.

Iris walked in at 5:30. "Hey, I know you said you didn't want a ride, but I thought you might change your – mind," she finished as she entered the cortex and saw Caitlin. "What the hell happened?"

"We've been saying that a lot today," Cisco muttered.

"Barry told you about the Pacifier, right?" Caitlin held her hands up and half-smiled.

"Yeah, but he left this out." Iris was still staring at her.

"Iris," Barry said. "I didn't want to make it a big deal for Caitlin."

Iris looked at him and sighed. "Sorry, babe. I kinda blew that."

"It's fine," Caitlin said, before Barry could respond. "I don't care if you see me like this."

"So you're stuck like that until we catch the Pacifier?"

"Yeah," Barry said. "He struck twice in a day; he should be active again soon." He walked over and took Iris's hand. "We should go home."

"We can stay if you need," Iris said, looking at Cisco and Caitlin.

"She's staying with me," Cisco said. "We're good."

"See you tomorrow," Barry said, walking out with Iris.

Cisco waited a few seconds before turning to Caitlin. "Barry told the others not to come by for a few days, to give you some space." He spun in his chair. "Looks like it's just us again. You wanna grab dinner and go back to my place? I can try to find a Chuck. E. Cheese."

Caitlin scowled at him, and then thought better of it. It would be easier to get away if they actually went to a restaurant. "Let's go," she said, standing. "To any place but that," she added when Cisco snickered. "You're buying."

She went to her desk and grabbed her purse. She'd left it there the day before. She tried to slip the cold gun into it, but it wouldn't fit. There was no other way to sneak it past Cisco. She looked at it quickly before leaving without it. Hopefully she wouldn't need the cold substitute anyway.

They found Big Belly Burger and ate at a booth; something Caitlin had only done once. Before the meal was over Caitlin stood and told him she was going to the restroom. "Sorry Cisco," she whispered as she slipped out the door. She figured she had maybe five minutes before he wondered if everything was okay, and maybe two or three more before he knew it wasn't. She ran down the street, listening and looking for any signs of trouble, and desperately hoping she found one. She figured the best bet would be shops that had closed for the night, away from bustling locations like the mall.

She slowed as she turned to a different street. The buildings were mostly dark, since the workday was over, but there were a few cars parked on the street. One of them caught her attention because of the noise. It was running, producing a low hum that she had to stop and listen for to be sure it was there.

A trace of excitement quickened her step as she walked closer. The car was parked in front of an electronics store. The lights were off, and the door was wide open, but there was no alarm. Caitlin crept closer and heard a voice inside, followed by the sound of objects being dropped onto a hard surface. A worker wouldn't move things in the dark like this.

She couldn't look in to survey the situation. It was too likely she would be seen.

She stayed out of view of the doorway as she decided on a course of action. "Stop what you're doing!" she yelled, with as deep a voice as she could. "Put everything down, now!"

All sound from within the store stopped, and Caitlin listened carefully. She waited, and then heard shuffling sounds – as if things were being packed more quickly. "I said stop!" she yelled again, and peered around the doorway.

There were two men in the store. One was rapidly filling small bags with smartphones and tablets. The other she didn't see until after he'd punched out, his fist hitting her chest and sending her reeling backwards. If she'd been her normal height, it would have been a sucker punch to the stomach.

She jumped back up and ran in, stopping just in the doorway. The man who had hit her had just picked up a pipe and turned back to her. "I knew that wasn't a cop's voice. Too small."

The man who had been rushing to pack the bags looked over. "Get out of here, kid," he said. "We don't want to hurt you."

Caitlin took a step forward, her shoulders back as she tried to look intimidating. "I can't let you take that."

The one with the pipe laughed, and fear seemed to trickle down her spine. "Oh, she's really trying to play cop." He took a step closer. "Get the rest of the stuff," he said to his accomplice. "I'll -."

The world cut out and back in instantaneously.

 _Caitlin felt some of the heaviness in her body fade as she became more alert. She wasn't in the study anymore. She could feel the softness of a bed underneath her. She could also hear her parents talking._

 _"_ _Are we sure it's a bad thing?" Dad asked._

 _"_ _You saw how radically the flow of powers changed her. She's never yelled at you before."_

 _"_ _I remember tantrums when she was little that would disprove that claim."_

 _"_ _Thomas, I'm serious!"_

 _Caitlin half-opened her eyes and saw Mom and Dad standing by Mom's desk. But if Mom's desk was here, this couldn't be Caitlin's bedroom. She looked more closely and realized she was in her mom's lab, with a lot of unfamiliar things in it. There was an IV in her hand, covered with tape. Mom and Dad were quiet, looking over at her._

 _"_ 'I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction ice is also great.' _Robert Frost." Dad looked at Mom as she finally spoke, minutes later. "Thomas, we can't let these powers change her, and if she uses them, they will."_

 _"_ _How can we keep that from happening?" Dad asked. "They're a part of her!"_

 _"_ _There are parts of people that stay hidden for all their lifetime," Mom said. "Caitlin will be fine not knowing about this one."_

 _"_ _You want to make her forget all this?"_

 _"_ _You want her to remember?"_

 _Caitlin took in a slow breath, to try and wake up more. "Wait," she said. "Please, tell me what's going on?"_

 _"_ _The sedative wore off much faster than I anticipated," Mom said, walking over and sitting on the edge of Caitlin's bed._

 _Caitlin was feeling more awake by the second. "Don't do it again," she said, fixing her gaze on Mom._

 _"_ _Don't be scared, sweetheart," Mom said, reaching over her. "You'll be good as new soon, but I have to do this first."_

 _"_ _No, you don't," Caitlin said, sitting up. She clamped her hand on Mom's wrist, feeling that anger come surging back through her in an instant. "You have to tell me the truth!"_

 _She felt the fireworks in her hands and fingers again, this time much stronger than before. And this time, it was more than just the sparking feeling. It was cold. She felt her fingertips grow cold, and saw what looked like mist rising from where her hand gripped Mom's. Mom cried out, and Dad ripped Caitlin's hand away, saying "Caity, no!"_

 _Caitlin looked at her hands. They were frozen, and so pale… The fury that had risen inside her faltered as she saw Mom holding her hand close to her chest, as if in pain._

 _"_ _Mom -." Caitlin exhaled as she felt something start rushing through her veins, bringing her back into the darkness. Before she fell back into it, though, she noticed that the breath was cold and white._

 _Mom's voice floated over her before she passed out completely. "Like Frost said, Thomas:_ 'For destruction, ice is also great.' _"_

Caitlin came out of the memory with a shaky exhale, her heart pounding in her chest as she scrambled up. That couldn't have happened at a worse time. Thankfully it seemed to have stunned the men enough for them not to attack her. They were staring at her, full bags in their hands.

"The kid's insane," the one with the pipe said.

"St-stop," she said, her voice quavering with fear.

"Crazy, but she's got balls," the other one said. "You got one more chance to run, kid."

Caitlin tried to loosen her frozen muscles. If she wanted Frost back, she had to really push herself. She ran towards the man without the pipe.

 **A/N: There's chapter 3! I have a question for you guys: do you want me to include Caitlin meeting with her mother in this story? I'm up for writing it if you want it. Just let me know. Thanks for all the support!**


	4. Chapter 4

He seemed taken aback, and didn't move for a few seconds, until she was right next to him. She brought her leg up and swung it at him, catching him above the knee. Unfortunately, it barely made him move. He reached down and grabbed her arm, his mouth drawn back in a snarl. He raised his other hand, but stopped before moving to strike.

"What are you waiting for?" the one with the pipe said.

"She's a stupid kid," the one holding her said. Caitlin struggled, kicking out and punching at the arm that was holding her. His grip loosened enough for her to rip herself free and start to run. She made it two feet before she staggered and fell as something solid crashed forcefully into her back. Her back arched automatically and she gasped in pain as the pipe clattered to the ground next to her.

The man who had thrown the pipe walked over and leaned down, casually picking it up. "He may have a problem shutting you up," he said, holding it like a fine instrument. "I don't."

Caitlin closed her eyes as he lifted it up, curling her body up defensively. Her heart was beating dangerously fast, and she could feel the adrenaline flooding her body as she waited for the impact.

It never came. She opened her eyes to see the other man shoving the pipe away. "We'll take her with us," he said. He grabbed Caitlin's arm again and yanked her to her feet. "Try that again, and he _will_ kill you," he said, a little quieter.

Caitlin whimpered as she was pulled towards their car, her ability to fight completely gone. The one with the pipe threw open a door and tossed the bags in, and the other shoved her in after them and slammed the door shut. She collapsed on the seat, shaking. Frost wasn't coming. She was going to die.

She winced when the door opened, and a hand touched her leg.

"Caitlin!"

She picked her head up at the familiar voice, and when she saw Barry, practically jumped at him. He caught her up in his arms and ran them to the lab, where he set her down on the floor of the cortex. She realized there were tear tracks on her face as she rested on her hands and knees (though she didn't know when she'd cried), and she couldn't stop her body from trembling.

"What were you thinking?" Barry demanded, his voice loud and upset.

Caitlin looked up and tried to form an answer, but when she saw Barry's eyes, all she managed to do was start hyperventilating. The anger didn't completely leave his expression, but she saw concern come to the forefront as he went to the floor next to her. His hand moved to her back, rubbing it to try soothing her, and she noticed he was vibrating slightly. It helped her start to recover herself.

Cisco breached in at some point, before she was relatively normal again, and she could see him pacing as he waited for her to be able to talk.

When she could breathe normally and felt somewhat less shaky, Barry stopped rubbing her back and stood up, offering her a hand.

The three looked at each other for a few seconds in silence. "Caitlin," Cisco finally said, in an uncharacteristically flat voice. It rose quickly. "Do you mind telling me what the hell you were thinking?"

She flinched as his words hit a yell. "I had to try to get her back," she exclaimed.

"Try to get yourself killed, more like." He walked up to her, demanding her gaze. "I know you miss her, but this was stupid and reckless, and even you know it. Why would you do this without one of us?"

" _Because it had to be real!_ " she yelled. For a breath she was shocked at the explosiveness of her voice, and then she kept going. "It has to be real fear if I'm going to get her back, which means you can't be my safety net!"

"We can't let you be killed either!" Barry said. The anger was back. "You have to accept that she's gone and stop chasing danger. You could have died! _"_

"I know!" she cried. She looked away and lowered her voice. "I know."

She stared hard at the floor, her fists clenched at her sides as she tried to hold on to her anger. If she lost that, she would lose the modicum of control she had left. But she hadn't really been angry. Only terrified to her core, and now that that terror was fading, it was sinking in that Frost hadn't come back. It wasn't a lasting terror, like when she'd been kidnapped by Zoom, but it had been just as strong in the moment. Which meant she couldn't get Frost back that way.

She really didn't want to die, however it might seem. She'd sincerely thought Frost would save her.

She wouldn't make that assumption again. No more leaping into danger and taking stupid risks. She had to accept that, although Frost wasn't fully gone, she might not be able to reach her.

The weight of it threatened to make her collapse. She was so tired, and completely drained. "I'm sorry," she said in an empty voice.

She didn't look at them, but she was sure Cisco and Barry were having a silent conversation. She didn't have the energy to talk anymore. All she wanted was sleep, and after some period of time staring at nothing, she turned and walked to the bed in the med bay.

Cisco and Barry followed her, and were watching as she lay down on her side. She could feel her brain slowing down, refusing to work through any more information that day. Her back was sore from where the pipe had slammed into it, but even though her thoughts were minimal, they were hurting much more as she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

 _Mom was petting her hair when she opened her eyes again, sitting next to her on the bed. Her touch was gentle, but there was something off about it. It took Caitlin a few seconds to realize the roughness that kept glancing her skin was a bandage Mom had wrapped around her own wrist. Where Caitlin had grabbed it._

 _"_ _I'm so sorry, Caity," Mom said in a low voice. "If I'd known you were in the room, I never would have done the experiment."_

 _"_ _What…?"_

 _Mom stroked her hair once more, and then leaned back. "I thought the effects would stop, but they're only getting stronger." She closed her eyes. "You have to know I'm only doing what I think is best for you."_

 _Experiment… the day Mom had tried to make Dad better, with lots of cold? Cryogenic therapy, Mom had called it. Something to stop Dad's sickness from getting worse. Caitlin had snuck down to see if he was okay, and there'd been a wave of what felt like ice. She thought she'd fainted, from seeing Daddy so weak and hurt, but maybe something else had happened. The cold hadn't helped Dad. Had it helped her instead? Was that what saved her with the car accident?_

 _"_ _It's ready."_

 _Caitlin looked up to see Dad walking over, his steps heavy. He put his hand on top of hers and smiled at her. "We'll be right here the whole time."_

 _"_ _What are you doing?" she asked, suddenly nervous. Her hands started to feel a little colder. Mom stood and came back with two little pieces of technology. "What are those?"_

 _"_ _Something to keep these powers from hurting you," Mom said. She put one on each side of Caitlin's head, and then touched her cheek for a second. "It'll be over soon."_

 _She started to ask what would be over soon, but she didn't have time before Daddy tightened his grip on her hand, and Mom pressed a button. The words disappeared, the question flew from her mind as a tight pressure developed in her head. It built, with a feeling like a path being built as the pressure traveled from her temples to the middle of her brain. She was scared, and felt the fireworks in her hands again, accompanied by that freezing feeling…_

 _As soon as the freezing started, the pressure expanded, and when the pressure reached her hands and the freezing and fireworks cut off, she stopped feeling anything for a few seconds. No cold or heat. No emotions. Just a strange detachment as her brain focused on the pressure instead of conscious thought. When the detachment ended, she felt the pressure all contained in the back of her skull. It felt like it was pulsing before it spiked, and then seemed to drain away._

 _She was surrounded by thick walls, terrified and cold and alone as she waited for it to end, like Mom said it would. But the walls didn't budge, and as the pressure drained away, she felt herself start slipping away too. Almost like falling asleep._

"Caitlin, answer me!"

Caitlin sucked in a breath as she came back from the memory. It took a few seconds for her head to feel normal, and to realize she wasn't trapped anywhere. With a little difficulty, she focused on Cisco. "Another repressed memory," she said, wincing as she pulled herself up to lean against the pillow. It was morning, and an empty cup of coffee was on the stand next to Cisco.

There was a haunted look in Cisco's eyes. "Caitlin," he said in a strange voice. He swallowed. "You were screaming."

"I…" Caitlin stopped as she saw how worried Cisco was. She hadn't been aware of screaming when she was in the memory, but it had certainly been painful enough.

"You were asleep when it happened this time. One minute you were fine, the next you opened your eyes and started acting out whatever you were experiencing. Then you started screaming." He shook his head. "It didn't last long, but you took so long to respond."

Caitlin touched his arm in an attempt to tell him she was okay; though she couldn't actually say that she was. She didn't know what she was, at the moment, because she couldn't avoid thinking about the repressed memories anymore. Unless Cisco distracted her.

"What did they do to you?" Cisco asked.

She tried to tell him what she'd seen, but couldn't describe all of it. She sighed. "Vibe me."

His eyebrows pressed close together. "Caitlin, are you sure you want me to -?"

"Yes," she said, and placed her hand over his. She guided him to the last two memories she'd recovered, letting him watch them with her. It was different, watching the memories instead of living them, and she could see why Barry and Cisco looked so concerned after watching her act out her part. It had to be strange, seeing that. When the memories ended, Caitlin dropped her hand.

"That's messed up," Cisco said. He still seemed shocked, but he sounded a little more like himself. He looked at her. "Your mom found a way to block your cold powers."

"Blocking them's not the issue," Caitlin said. "Bringing them back is."

"Caitlin, those memories are pretty serious. How are you handling this so well?"

Caitlin met his glance. "Because I haven't let myself think about it. Until now, I've focused on finding Frost."

"Whoa, what do you mean 'until now?'"

She looked at the far wall. "I can't get her back, Cisco. I've tried everything I can think of, and she hasn't shown any signs of coming back."

"It hasn't even been three days yet." Cisco stood, walked to the door and looked out, and then walked back. "Look, Barry and I came down a little hard on you last night, but you shouldn't give up completely." He lowered his voice. "Whatever's going on with these memories, it's only happening since Pacifier de-aged you. As soon as we catch him, we'll make the cure and get you back to normal."

"That's generally how it works when someone gets whammied," Caitlin said, confused.

"So the longer it takes to find him, the longer it takes to get you back to normal." He looked at her meaningfully, but she didn't get what he was hinting at. She motioned with her head for him to keep going, and he sighed. "Caitlin, I covered up Pacifier's activity yesterday."

She stopped. "What do you mean?"

Cisco looked guiltily at the doorway, and then leaned closer. "I knew you needed a little more time trying to get Frost back, so I silenced the crime alert in the cortex. When Barry was jump-scaring you downstairs we got a hit from Pacifier at another small jewelry store. I deleted it from our records."

Caitlin opened her mouth to respond, but took a few seconds because of surprise. "I can't believe you did that for me," she finally said.

Cisco walked a little closer to the door. "I know how much you miss her," he said, with his arms crossed. "And I think we can get her back, if we keep trying. Unless you really wanna give up."

"I don't."

Caitlin looked up at Barry's voice and saw him leaning against the doorframe. "I'm sorry about how I handled last night," he said.

"Barry, you saved me. You have nothing to apologize for."

"Yeah, I do," he said, walking over to her. He stood by the foot of her bed. "I don't want you to give up on finding Frost."

"I still don't know how," Caitlin said.

"We'll figure it out, like we always do," Barry said. "Together."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey guys! Hope you're enjoying the story so far! I'm really excited about this chapter (especially the end). I'd really appreciate it if you tell me what you think. Hearing from you makes my day. Thanks, and until next communion!**

"So how long were you there?" Cisco asked.

"You mean how much did I hear?" Barry asked. He put a hand on Cisco's shoulder. "Not much."

Caitlin stood and stretched. "Give me a few minutes to wash and change, and then we can start theorizing."

"Want me to bring you to your apartment?" Barry asked.

She thought for a second, and then nodded. "That'd be great, thanks." He picked her up and raced her to her apartment.

"I'll wait out here," he said, standing in the hallway.

"Barry, get in here," she said. "You can wait in the living room."

She waited until he had closed the door before going to pick out a change of clothes. Unfortunately, everything she had was big. She decided to try things on after her shower, to see how they fit, and went out of her room and to the bathroom.

She felt better when she stepped out a few minutes later, her towel wrapped tight around her. She was looking at the closet as she walked, but something caught her eye and made her look at the door to her room. There were folded clothes on the floor next to it.

"Reading about biology discoveries?" she asked as she walked out of her room.

Barry turned, setting the science journal down. "You were faster than I thought."

"I work with the Flash, so…" she joked. "Thank you for the outfit."

"It's okay?" he asked.

She looked at the jeans and top – a powder blue one, with a snowflake pattern. She knew it must have been hard to find a winter themed shirt in early summer, but wasn't surprised Barry had managed it. "Perfect fit."

Barry walked over. "I guessed right, then. It's still weird seeing you like this."

"Hopefully it won't be for much longer," Caitlin said. "Though there is one good thing that comes from it," she said as he picked her up. "I'm less of a burden for you to carry."

"You're never a burden," Barry said immediately, and ran back to S.T.A.R. Labs.

* * *

Cisco wasn't there when they got back. He came in a few minutes after them with coffee and muffins from Jitters. "I had to wait in such a long line," he complained as he set it down.

He handed Barry a coffee cup and picked one up for himself. He took a sip before acting like he'd forgotten something and reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a bottle of chocolate milk with a very Cisco smile.

Caitlin took it with a small "thanks." Cisco was really milking this de-aging thing, but she couldn't blame him. One, he was Cisco. He made jokes out of everything he could. Two, she knew how worried he was about her. Joking helped him relax.

She didn't tell him how much she enjoyed the chocolate milk, though. That would have given him too much satisfaction. It was only after she'd finished it that she realized coffee would have been more helpful. She was still tired.

"I could actually nap," Caitlin said. "I hate napping."

"You just slept nine hours," Cisco said. "You shouldn't want to sleep more."

"Unless something's taking your energy," Barry said. "Maybe being in a younger form but maintaining your thoughts and memories from adulthood is putting a stress on your body?"

"Those memory attacks probably aren't helping," Cisco said.

Caitlin jumped up, shaking her hands at her side. "I'm good," she said. The movement helped. "So I was thinking. I know I said the answer isn't in science, but maybe it is partially. I want to do some tests in this state, and see if anything's changed."

"We should contact your mom," Cisco said. "You could turn into Frost before she did that experiment on you. Dark matter probably negated some of the effects of the experiment, so you could change, but didn't completely reverse it. If we find out what she did, we might be able to fix you."

A mixture of dread and anger bubbled in the pit of Caitlin's stomach at the thought of confronting her mother. She'd felt like they were finally forming a healthy relationship again the last time they'd spoken. Now, she realized even that was built on a lie. Of course, she didn't have many other options for getting Frost back.

"She usually answers emails," Caitlin said, and Barry and Cisco nodded. "I'll tell her we need to talk as soon as possible."

She sent the email and then spun her chair to face them. "I guess now we wait."

"No," Barry said. "I think you're right about running some tests. We probably should have done it sooner, but once we thought being like this wasn't hurting you… I didn't think we needed to check anything else."

An alarm sounded, and they all looked at the monitors on the desk. "I guess it's good I turned the alarms back on," Cisco said, standing next to Caitlin. "Pacifier's hitting the bank."

Barry changed into his suit. "I'm on it." He ran out of the cortex. "Don't worry, Caitlin," he said over his comms as he ran. "He won't get away this time."

Caitlin smiled softly. Her knight in scarlet armor.

"I'll talk to him," Cisco said, quietly enough so the comms wouldn't pick it up. "Tell him you need a little more time before we use the cure."

The smile returned for Cisco's comment. She'd been too hasty in her thoughts before. She had two knights keeping her safe.

She didn't know if he'd planned it or not, but Pacifier barely had a chance to speak before Barry knocked him out and locked him up. He came back holding a syringe. "Got him," he said, placing it on the desk in the cortex. "Now you can get the cure made."

She was saved explaining she didn't want to use it by a ringing sound. It took her a second to realize it was the computer at her desk, and she ran to it to catch the call. She slid into the chair and pressed 'accept' as Cisco and Barry stood behind her.

"Hi Mom," Caitlin said as Carla appeared on the monitor.

* * *

Her mother looked up from writing something at the greeting. She stiffened at the sight, her hand locked on her pen, and leaned in closer.

"Caitlin?"

"If anyone should know me looking like this, it's you," Caitlin said.

"Your email said it was urgent, but I never imagined…" she set down her pen and composed herself. "I haven't heard from you in some time."

"Yeah, we've been a little busy here," Caitlin said tersely. "Remember my cold powers?"

"Of course I do. They were overwhelming you. You used my cure, didn't you?"

"Yes, Mother. Frost is kind of an alter ego, now. We found a balance."

She could see her mother processing the information, and studied her face for any signs of guilt. "Well that's a good thing, I suppose," she said, betraying nothing. "But why are we talking about this? I assume you called because of your appearance."

"Partially correct. Though that's what let me access the memories."

This time her mother couldn't hide her expression. "What memories? Caitlin, what's going on?"

"I had powers as a child," Caitlin said, an edge to her voice. "I know I had them, and I know you locked them away." She swallowed. "I also know Dad helped." She exhaled. "What I don't know is how you did it. I need to reverse it."

Her mother was speechless for a few seconds. Caitlin was a little relieved to see the trace of guilt in her expression. "I did what I thought was best," she finally said.

"You lied to me!"

She felt Barry's hand on her shoulder, and took a breath to try to calm herself. "We can talk about why you did it later," she said, struggling to keep an even tone. "But I need to know how to reverse it. I need to get Frost back."

"I thought you found a balance?" her mother asked.

"She appeared because of the dark matter from the particle accelerator. I don't have dark matter inside me anymore, so she can't come out. Except she's done it before," Caitlin said, "when I was little. So what did you change to keep her from coming out naturally?"

Her mother sighed. "There was an abnormality in your DNA even before the experiment gave you cryogenic abilities."

"The metahuman gene," Cisco chimed in.

Her mother looked at him for a second. "Yes," she said. "You don't have a way to fix this focusing on that?"

Caitlin's hand clenched into a fist on her lap. "If it were that simple we would have done it already, Mother. Do you remember what you did or not?"

She frowned. "I'm not completely sure. It was a long time ago!" she said in a rush at Caitlin's expression. "I'll go look for the record, alright?"

"Now, or after work?"

"Right after my meeting. Caitlin, I have to -."

Caitlin shut off the monitor forcefully, ending the call. If she'd felt a little angry before… "Typical of my mother," she said with a clipped voice. "I can't believe I thought she would help."

"She's looking for the records," Barry said.

Caitlin pushed off of the chair and whirled on them. Her fist was still clenched tightly at her side, a rushing sound filling her ears as her anger surged. "She doesn't want me to get Frost back. She never wanted me to have powers in the first place."

"I know she messed up, but she thought she was protecting you," Cisco said.

"Don't try to defend her!"

"Hey," Barry said, holding up his hands. "We're not, okay? We're on your side."

She stared at them for a few seconds before letting out her breath. "I know."

"Never thought you'd be a hothead," Cisco said with a slight smile.

"I think heightened emotions are part of this deal," she said.

"Like when you first got your powers," Cisco said. He frowned. "Well, when we thought you first got your powers." He waved his hand. "You were emotional," he said.

"You won't have to worry about it much longer. We're analyzing Pacifier's blood now, so it should be soon," Barry said. "I started running it when your mom called," he said before she could ask.

"About that -," Cisco started, but Caitlin spoke over him.

"I don't want to use the cure yet." She looked Barry straight on. "I need more time like this to try and get her back."

Barry studied her for a second. "As long as we have it ready to use when we need it. I won't let being like this hurt you."

Caitlin felt most of the tension in her body ease. "Deal."

They were quiet. Caitlin and Barry started working on the cure while Cisco ran a few tests on Caitlin (measuring brain waves, electrical balance, etc.). By late that afternoon they had the cure made, loaded into the serum machine for quick delivery.

"You know, we've been going for fear a lot," Barry said as they sat in the cortex. "Maybe anger will have better resu-."

Everything disappeared and reappeared.

 _The walls were weakening, and as they did, she became aware of herself again. She could feel it start not long after the walls were built, when an undercurrent of anger shifted the foundation after Dad died. She could feel a crack start to form periodically, letting her send some of the cold out and easing some of the pressure around her._

 _The first hole appeared when she was an adult, chiseled by some outside force. She was overwhelmed by the emotional pain that breach in the wall brought. Ronnie, she thought inexplicably. She didn't know who he was, but she was scared of losing him, and when she did lose him, she was angry. He was taken from her. That hole widened a little._

 _The next hole appeared soon after, and she thought of another name: Jay. At first it was the same feeling she'd had with Ronnie, of a knee-buckling devastation. It quickly changed, though, so that when she thought of the name, she wasn't sad. She was furious. Furious, making her send waves of cold out in vain attempts to strike out at him, and then utterly terrified that he would hurt her. When her anger shifted to fear, another hole appeared in the wall, not far from the second one. She cast ice towards it in an attempt to seal it, and keep the danger of him (and more emotional pain) away._

 _That was when the space between the small holes broke away, creating a larger opening. The pressure that was always around her faded. She reached a frozen hand towards the opening, and started fighting her way out. She had to escape her mind, and see the real world again. She had to keep herself safe._

 _There were moments when she did, and reveled in it. She smiled at her ability to destroy, and make others fear her. If they feared her, they couldn't lock her away again._

 _(Her hands tensed on the desktop, and ice spread over the keyboard and computer screen, shorting it out.)_

 _Part of her didn't want to do this. The other part didn't care, and she felt a huge amount of satisfaction when both parts of her started merging. When they did, she opened her eyes and felt a rush of memories flood through her. She finally understood those names that had allowed her to break out of her prison._

 _("Like you promised Eddie? And like you promised Ronnie? You know, for a hero, Flash, you sure let a lot of people around you die.")_

 _There was another name, too, that some part of her feared. She liked the sound of it. She called herself by it once, but it didn't fit then. She wasn't in control long enough. So she decided something as she stood and looked at a frozen laboratory, fully in control of her mind and body, stunned people on the floor, trails of frozen mist emanating from her pale hands._

 _She wasn't Caitlin anymore. She was Killer Frost._

She was standing in an attack position, muscles tensed, hands slightly curled at her side. That posture changed immediately as she came back to herself. She straightened, seeing her real surroundings but too deep in thought to see much of anything.

"Frost," Caitlin breathed. The repressed memories… she understood now. It was Frost's way of communicating with her. Because they weren't just her memories. They were _hers._

"That's how you started," she said.

"What?" Barry asked.

"Those memories? They're not mine."

"Caitlin, I watched some of them with you. Of course they're yours," Cisco said.

"No, that's not what I mean!" Caitlin said, half excited and half emotional. "They're the first memories Frost has separate from mine. She was showing me her past!" She turned in her pacing and put one hand to her head, pushing her hair back. "That's why she was evil…"

"Cait, what are you talking about?"

She turned back to face them and forced her hand down, trying to calm down. "My powers manifested when I was a little girl, so my mother performed an experiment to seal them away. But it didn't work like she thought it would. The part that became Frost didn't experience everything I did, but she felt my most painful emotions. When my dad died. Ronnie. Zoom."

"Oh…" Cisco said.

"No wonder she wanted to cause destruction," Caitlin said. "She was trapped with all my pain and fear and anger, and nothing else…" She shook her head. "I can't blame her for lashing out."

"But how did she show you the memories?" Barry asked.

Caitlin understood it now, and wondered how she hadn't before. "The same way she came out before I lost the dark matter. Powerful surges of fear or anger." She exhaled a laugh. "There must be something different about me in this state that lets her communicate with me."

"Maybe," Barry said.

"I can't believe it!" Caitlin cried. She felt like she was vibrating, realizing that Frost was actively trying to come back. "Maybe she wasn't coming out because she was showing me the memories she has, and now that I understand her past, she'll appear! I just need an adrenaline -."

She stopped bouncing as she stumbled forward, almost falling. She clutched the desk to stay upright. The energy and excitement she'd just felt faded abruptly. "-rush," she finished quietly.

"Caitlin!" Cisco stood right next to her.

"I'm fine," she said as the dizziness lessened.

"You're not," Barry said.

"I just got over-excited," Caitlin said. She let go of the chair to prove she was fine – which was a mistake, as she swayed immediately when the dizziness came back full force. Barry caught her, and the next thing she knew she was back in the bed in the med-bay.

"Stay there," Barry said.

"Barry -," she started to say.

"It's taking too much energy, staying like this," Barry said. "We have to get you back to normal."

"I'm so close," Caitlin protested, sitting up.

"I'm not debating." A rush of wind and blur of color, and Barry reappeared with the serum machine.

"Barry, don't!" she cried.

"I'm sorry, Cait."

She was struck with a different kind of fear in that instant: not the primal fear for survival, or of physical danger. Fear of losing the connection to Frost completely. She'd been teased with it too much recently, so the fear piggybacked on a wave of anger. Maybe it was the combination of the two, maybe her new understanding of Frost; whatever the reason, she felt a familiar sensation building inside her, her awareness starting to dim even as Barry put the serum machine against her skin and injected her with the cure.


	6. Chapter 6

"No!" she cried, forcing her eyes open. She couldn't let the serum knock her out and make her normal again. Not like this. She saw ice start spreading on the sheets around her hands.

"Cisco -," Barry said, staring.

Cisco was staring as well.

"What have you idiots done?" Frost asked urgently. She grimaced as another wave of exhaustion swept over her, trying to lull her into unconsciousness.

"She was right," Barry said.

Frost ignored their stunned reactions. "If we revert while I'm in control, Caity might be the one locked inside," Frost said loosely, barely maintaining her grip on consciousness. "Can't let that happen to her."

"What if you being out fixes both of you?" Cisco asked in a rush, coming out of his shocked stupor. "Maybe it'll reset your body so you can come out naturally. Undo what Carla did."

"What if it doesn't?" She asked, her eyes half-closed.

"I think it's one of our best chances," he said. "But you have to make that choice."

She barely had time to process what he'd said, let alone make a decision, before the waves dragged her under. No time to switch back. _"Please, Caity,"_ Frost murmured as her eyes slipped shut. _"Please come back."_

* * *

Barry sat by Caitlin's bedside, watching for any sign of her waking up. Her skin was pale, her breathing extremely slow and even. Her hand was cold, but he refused to let go, holding it between both of his own. She was back to normal now, in her adult form, so the hand he held between his own was the one he was familiar with. He didn't know why she was still unconscious. It had been hours since she'd become an adult again.

It was his fault she was like this. This whole time he'd been more concerned with keeping her safe than actually helping her. Even before Pacifier de-aged her, he realized. He thought losing Frost had made her blind to danger she could be in. He would always protect her; even if that meant protecting her from herself. The robbery she'd tried to stop had let him justify that feeling. But he'd been too hasty when she collapsed, too eager to give her the cure that would end the energy-sapping, emotionally vulnerable state she was in. She'd pleaded with him that she only needed a little more time. It turned out he was the one who'd been blind.

He hadn't trusted her, or hadn't wanted to. And now he didn't know what was happening to her. Cisco had discovered that her brain activity was really high; much higher than a dreaming person's. He'd tried vibing her, but said the images were too confusing to decipher. So whatever was happening, they just hoped it ended soon.

"I'll take over," Cisco said, coming to stand next to him. "You should go home."

Barry shook his head, keeping his gaze on Caitlin. "I'm not leaving her. Let Iris know what happened. She'll understand."

"Okay, man," Cisco said, clapping him on the arm as he left the room. "I'll be back later."

Barry rubbed his thumb over Caitlin's hand. "C'mon, Cait," he whispered. "You can do this."

He didn't know if she heard him, but he sincerely hoped she did.

* * *

Day 1

Caitlin wasn't awake, but realized she had some level of conscious thought. Frost, she thought. If Caitlin was like this, Frost had to have come back. Right?

"Frost?" she asked.

 _Caity?_

Caitlin almost smiled. "I'm so glad you're back. I've missed you."

 _Caity, where are you? What do you see?_

Caitlin faltered. She didn't see anything. "What do you mean? You're the one in control… how is this even happening?"

 _I'm not completely sure, but at least you're safe. That last memory skipped over so much time it drained your energy._

"Frost… I'm so sorry."

She heard Frost scoff. _You always take too much responsibility. I just wanted you to understand, not apologize._

"I can't believe you went through that."

 _You did too_ , Frost said dryly.

"Yeah, but I had other things to make me feel better, and friends to help me move on. You didn't have any of that."

 _Well it doesn't matter much now. I don't know when we're gonna wake up, but you need to be ready. You need to fight to stay exactly like you are now. Do you understand, Caity?_

"I – I think so."

She was quiet for what felt like a few seconds, but could have been much longer, and then couldn't stand it anymore. "Frost?" she questioned, reaching out again.

 _Still here._

"Would you mind ta - … I mean, it might be nice to…" she trailed off and sighed.

 _We should take advantage of this,_ Frost said in a gentler tone. _No sticky notes needed._

Caitlin felt incredibly warm, and thought she was smiling as she agreed. "No sticky notes needed."

Day 2

"I can't get him to sleep."

"It must be serious if he won't leave," Iris said. "Right?"

Cisco hesitated. "We don't really know what's going on. But he can't help her by wearing himself out."

They reached the door of the med-bay, and Iris stopped. "She actually got Frost back," she said, sounding stunned.

"It looks like it," Cisco said, walking into the room. Iris followed.

"Barry."

Barry picked his head up from the edge of the bed.

"Barry, you have to get some sleep," Iris said.

"I'm fine," he said, glancing at her for a second. At least he looked away. He hadn't looked at Cisco in a day.

"You haven't slept in almost two days," Iris said. "I've barely seen you."

"I won't leave her," Cisco said. "You know I'll let you know the second anything changes," he said when Barry still didn't move.

Iris rubbed Barry's arm. "C'mon babe. Let's go home."

Cisco watched him squeeze Caitlin's hand before releasing it and standing. He hadn't moved from that spot for more than a second since Frost had appeared and then passed out. Cisco knew the guilt he felt had to be tremendous. A small part of him had wanted Barry to feel guilty, for the first few hours. But now that she was still out, Cisco knew it was tearing Barry apart.

He was happy to see his friend embrace Iris and walk out of the lab with her. Even if Barry wouldn't stop worrying, Iris would make sure he slept.

"He was trying to keep you safe," he said, staring at the doorway. He looked at his best friend, and though he wanted to, he couldn't keep the small smile on his face. "We all want that."

Day 3

 _Caity, how long has it been?_

"I don't know. Why?"

 _Shouldn't we be awake by now?_

Caitlin didn't exactly know how quickly time was passing, but she was sure they'd been talking for a few hours at least. "That is weird."

 _Do you think we're not waking up because we're talking?_

"Maybe," Caitlin said. "We've never been able to do this before."

 _Because we've never done something so stupid before,_ Frost said. _Getting turned into a kid on purpose?_

"It worked, didn't it? I can talk to you now!"

Frost hesitated. _I think this is a temporary thing. As soon as we stop talking and one of us wakes up, things will go back to normal._

"Normal like with the dark matter?"

She imagined Frost smiled. _I think so. As long as you fight for it. Don't let yourself be trapped like I was, and it shouldn't matter that there's no dark matter in us anymore._

They were quiet for a few seconds. "Frost," Caitlin started, trying to tell her how much this experience has meant to her, but stopped when she heard Frost's voice again.

 _Thanks for finding me, Caity._

Caitlin couldn't say anything, and wished Frost could see her to know she was nodding.

 _Time to wake up. Don't let your guard down._

"I won't," Caitlin managed to say.

After some amount of time she felt a disconnect. Then the pressure started, closing in on her and cutting through her thoughts with a brutal force. She cried out and drew in on herself. The pressure lessened.

"Fight," she said to herself, able to think again. If she could hold onto that thought, she could withstand the pressure long enough for Frost to fully wake up. She hoped. She imagined standing up, pushing the pressure away. As soon as she started fighting back the pressure amplified again, tearing through her. "I have to fight," she told herself, repeating it over and over so she wouldn't forget. She couldn't remember anything else, but forced herself to stay standing, pressing back on that overwhelming pressure.

* * *

She scrunched her eyes up as she felt the light behind them, and opened them a crack. Once the adjustment to the brightness was done she opened her eyes fully.

"Cisco, she's waking up!" Barry called.

Frost pushed herself upright as Cisco came running into the med-bay, and looked at him and Barry. "How long?" she asked.

"A few days," Cisco said. He looked so relieved, a goofy smile on his face as he looked at her.

Frost nodded. She'd thought it seemed longer than the hours their conversation had felt like. "As good as it is to see you boys, I need to make sure Caity's okay." She half-smiled at them and put more sincerity in her tone. "But thanks for helping us."

"Yeah, no problem," Cisco said.

Frost almost chuckled. Instead, she closed her eyes and willed the change to happen, as she'd done countless times. The bit of fear she'd had abated when her awareness started to fade. Good job, Caity, she thought with a smile.

Caitlin opened her eyes to see Barry and Cisco looking at her expectantly. "I'm guessing Frost was just here?" she asked.

They nodded, and then Barry stood and wrapped his arms around her. Caitlin was shocked for a second, and then returned the embrace. "I'm so sorry I did that," he said.

She smiled. "It's okay," she promised. She separated from him and stood. "I feel like me again. Well, adult me."

"That's the you I like best," Cisco said, going in for his own hug. "Though I guess you like coffee again."

"You're sure you're okay?" Barry asked. "Frost was worried about you being trapped when she woke up. Obviously you're awake, but…"

"I don't think I was trapped," Caitlin said. The pressure had stopped just before Frost fully woke up, and then it had seemed like Caitlin was sleeping. She didn't remember anything after that. "If felt like it always did when she gave up control, at least. Do you think we're back to normal?"

"We'll know next time we need Frost," Cisco said.

"I say we take it easy the rest of the day," Barry said, "but it's up to you."

"The mood I'm in, we can even watch one of Barry's musicals," Cisco said. "As long as we also watch _Princess Bride_."

"That sounds perfect," Caitlin said.

"We have to let your mom know you're okay, too," Cisco added.

Caitlin's smile faltered.

"She called back to tell us what she did a few hours after you hung up on her. We told her what had happened, and she asked us to let her know if there was anything she could do."

Caitlin sighed. Maybe her mother hadn't been completely against her. "I'll call her tomorrow."

Cisco walked away and returned with Caitlin's phone. "At least send her a text to tell her you're okay. If you don't, I will," he said, blatantly unlocking the phone and starting to text.

She held her hand out and sent the text, and looked at Cisco. "Happy?"

"Yes."

"Joe and Cecile should be home with the baby tomorrow," Barry said. "We're gonna throw a little surprise party. The others will be happy to see you, too."

"We've got a lot to catch them up on," Caitlin said.

Cisco grinned.

* * *

Caitlin actually felt rested when she woke up the next morning. The tiredness that came from being de-aged was gone. She was back to normal.

She thought so, anyway. She was going to ask Barry to take her out on a mission later, to see.

After showering and getting dressed, though, she realized it wasn't necessary. She went to grab her purse and head out the door and noticed something covering it: a leather jacket, with a little blue sticky note over it. She looked at it, mouth parted. _Thought you could use a more grown-up look,_ it read, in an intimately familiar script.

Caitlin picked up the sticky note and smiled, holding it carefully. Then she slipped on the jacket and went to work.

 **A/N: Hey guys! So... how do you like the ending of this chapter? I've got one more chapter for this story, so if there's anything specific you want to see, let me know. Thanks for all the feedback (please, do it again!). It really motivates me. Anyway, see you next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Here's the final chapter of Memories of Falling Snow. I've really enjoyed writing this story, and seeing others express interest in it. I hope you've liked it too. Let me know what you think of the ending, and check out my other stories if you're interested. Thanks for reading, guys.**

 **Pokémon fan 98**

* * *

"Someone seems happy today," Cisco said, looking at Caitlin. "Glad to be a grown-up again? That shop owner definitely was."

"Yes."

She could feel him watching her as she moved around, tidying up her desk. "It's more than that," he said a minute later. "You seem peaceful."

"I do?" she asked innocently.

"Did you maybe get some good news?" he asked.

She stopped the charade and spun to face him. "She's back! I woke up this morning and saw this jacket set out for me."

"You're sure you didn't leave it there?"

She pulled out the blue sticky note. "Absolutely."

Cisco smiled and walked over with his arms raised for a hug. "Oh, I knew you'd get her back!"

"Thank you," she said as they hugged. "Are Barry and Iris setting up for the surprise party?"

"If they're awake. Barry didn't sleep much this week." Cisco looked at the clock. "I'm sure he'll be calling for backup soon, though. Iris took Ralph with her to get the party supplies, and he went a little crazy."

Caitlin chuckled. She did miss the others. "So Iris is the only one who knows Frost is back?"

"So far. You gonna make the big announcement today?"

"If it comes up," she said. "Today is about the West family."

* * *

She and Cisco had been meandering in the lab for over an hour before they heard footsteps in the hallway. "That must be Iris," Caitlin said, standing up.

The woman who walked in wasn't Iris, though. Carla Tannhauser stood hesitantly in the doorway, looking at Caitlin. "Hi," she said after a few seconds.

Caitlin stared at her. "What are you doing here?"

"I had to make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine. You didn't need to make the trip."

Her mother walked into the cortex. "I was worried about you. When your friends told me you were basically comatose – it scared me."

Caitlin could see Cisco slowly creeping out of the room, and met his eyes, silently asking him to stay. She might be able to control herself more with another person here. He seemed to understand and stopped moving.

"I appreciate your concern, Mom. But there's no reason for you to be here right now."

Her mother walked closer. "You're my daughter. That's reason enough."

Her irritation spiked at the arrogance in her mother's words. "Really?" She couldn't stop herself. "You knew days before I woke up, but you're only just getting here. After you found out I was fine."

"I had patients, appointments I couldn't miss! There was no point in cancelling them if I couldn't do anything to help you!"

"You can't do anything _now_!" Caitlin cried, stepping closer. She stared at her mother with the sound of her heart beating loud in her ears. She was angry. When it came to her mother, she was always angry. But as she looked at her now, it wasn't her anger that was strongest.

"We're going to talk about this," Caitlin said sternly, after pressing her lips together tightly.

Her mother was looking at her seriously. She nodded, waiting for Caitlin to take the lead.

Caitlin focused on the memories Frost had shown her. On the fact that her mom had lied, and taken her memories. She was angry with her mother, but she could talk to her anytime. Frost deserved a chance to confront her as well.

Frost blinked and took in her surroundings in an instant. She frowned slightly as she looked closer at Carla, and then her face hardened. Carla was looking at her with light shock. "Your change in appearance is remarkable. So you can use your powers, since you look like this. Do you plan on using them, Caitlin?"

"I'm not Caitlin," Frost said, taking some pleasure in how uncomfortable it made Carla. "I used to be. Then your little experiment trapped me away."

"The procedure blocked away your powers, not you."

"Those powers were a part of me! Forcing them into a cell forced a part of me in there too."

Carla looked at Cisco, and then back at Frost. "I don't know what to make of this."

Frost stalked forward so she was immediately in front of Carla. "You never even gave our powers a chance before you locked them away."

"I just wanted to help you."

 _"_ _You broke me."_

Carla seemed stunned, looking at her. Frost had never felt as angry as she did in this moment, because this rage had been simmering under the surface for half a lifetime. She hadn't had to fight back her more violent impulses in some time. Now it was taking a lot of effort to not form an icicle in her hand, to at least threaten Carla. She didn't trust herself not to use it, even with Cisco watching them. She tried to content herself with unnerving the woman instead of hurting her.

"I – I'm sorry."

The words tore the cruel expression from her face, they were so unexpected. For a moment she forgot to be angry, her mouth parted in speechless shock.

Carla held up a hand, as if debating touching her. "I've done a lot of things I regret," she said in a small voice. "Keeping this from you is one of the things I regret most."

It wasn't just the words that shocked her, though. Carla was good at saying what needed to be said to soothe patients. No, Frost could hear the sincerity in her voice this time, the humility and shame. That was what made the difference.

She wasn't suddenly friends with her, but Frost didn't have to fight to stay calm anymore. Carla knew she'd made a mistake, all those years ago. For now, Frost's piece was done.

Caitlin came back to herself to find her mother standing right in front of her. "Good talk?" she asked.

Her mother frowned. "You don't -?"

"It's complicated," Caitlin said, waving away the question. She couldn't remember exactly what Frost had said, but she did know that Frost had felt a lot better after taking control than she had before.

Her mother took the information in stride and nodded. "I'd like to work things out between us, if you're willing." She looked at Caitlin carefully. "I'd really like you to be part of my life again."

Caitlin breathed out low and tentatively hugged her. "I'd like that too."

Her mother adjusted her grip on her purse. "Goodbye, Caitlin."

"Bye Mom."

Cisco waited until her mother had disappeared before speaking. "I can't believe things stayed so -."

"Civil?" she guessed, turning around. "I know."

"I thought for sure Frost was gonna hurt her. She had this murder-y look in her eyes, and the room got colder." He walked over. "Seriously though, you're okay?"

"Yeah," she said, surprising herself at how true it was. "I've always had issues with my mother. Now it actually looks like we're gonna try to work some of them out."

Cisco gave her a one-armed hug, which she leaned into happily. "I'm proud of you."

Caitlin smiled. "C'mon. Let's go see if the others are awake, and set up this party."

* * *

She was happily surprised when they found Barry, Iris, and Ralph about halfway through the setup.

"You didn't text us!" Cisco accused.

"We thought you might like a quiet morning," Iris said, giving Caitlin a hug. "Glad to see you back to normal," she said quietly.

"Quiet," Cisco said with a laugh, shaking his head. "We never seem to get that for long."

"Something happen?" Ralph asked.

"My mother stopped by," Caitlin said. She went to help lay decorations out on the table. "Nothing to worry about."

"We've barely seen you lately," Ralph said, in a rare moment of complete seriousness. "And I'm guessing you don't get along with your mom. What's up?"

Caitlin looked at Cisco, who raised his eyebrows to silently say 'see, told you they'd want to know.' She gave in and smiled. "I got Frost back."

"You changed?" Barry asked, an amazed expression on his face. Caitlin nodded, and he grinned. "That's great!"

"I'm assuming this has something to do with why Barry wouldn't let me come to the lab?" Ralph asked.

"Good guess," Iris said.

"So remember the meta I named Pacifier?" Cisco asked, becoming a natural showman and calling all eyes to him. "Well Caitlin here hatched a little plan without telling me or Barry…" he launched into the story as they continued setting up, taking way too much pleasure in it.

"Alright," Caitlin said when Cisco started describing her meeting with her mother. "We need to put the finishing touches on this party and get ready for the baby."

Ralph clapped a hand on her arm in congratulations, and then they went back to the decorations. Story time had really slowed them down. Wally came just in time to get champagne ready. They had just finished hanging the banner when Joe and Cecile arrived with the newest member of Team Flash, Jenna West.

And then the girl who'd spilled coffee on Caitlin and Harry (and apparently met almost everyone else at some point) showed up.

"Who are you?" Barry asked.

"I'm your daughter Nora. From the future. And I think I made a big, big mistake."

Caitlin was pretty sure she looked as shocked as everyone in the room, but in that first second after this bombshell, she also had another reaction. Amusement, at Cisco being right in saying they never got quiet for long – and eagerness to face whatever that mistake meant was coming, because of one thing: she wasn't alone. Even if every other member of the team was busy, she had Frost again.

They could handle whatever came their way.


End file.
